Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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