She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
