I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
