the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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