My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
from now on my penis is your penis
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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