I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
