I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
