What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
