When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
