Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
