They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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