i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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