i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
