Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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