Life is so much better after having sex.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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