My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Houston, we have a blender
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Randomize