Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
