i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
