i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
