Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize