I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
