I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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