i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
