Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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