Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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