You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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