My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
