If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
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