Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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