She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
