If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
My bed smells like the plague
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