Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
