I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
