I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
