i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize