I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Randomize
