If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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