My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
