it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
How's work?
Spinning.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Randomize
