What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
tonight lets celebrate not being married
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Randomize
