Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
