Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I need a beard to bite.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
