my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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