Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
