I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
