Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize