You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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