I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I need to calm my uterus...
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
