my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
