see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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