I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
