My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
True strength comes from lack of pants
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
