I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
