i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
