I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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