My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
