I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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