my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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