I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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