Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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