there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
