I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
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