i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
